The Wal-Mart ad featuring Destiny’s Child is currently near the top of my imaginary “Ads that suck” list.

There are three serious offenses against this ad:

1. The “music” makes me long for the sound of nails on a chalkboard.
2. It’s always on the super-annoying-I-paid-so-you-can-advertise-to-me-more Twenty crap at Regal Cinema outlets. Ohhh….entertainment ignited! No, but the audience is.
3. The messaging at the end of the ad is particularly suggestive. Yes, I know, tricky advertising. But in case you didn’t catch how this ad works, here goes. At the end of the ad the lyrics finish on “So just give more” and they flash the slogan “Hook up your home for the Holidays” with the Wal-mart logo up. That’s some pretty good programming you got there.

I just saw a hilarious ad on cable for a local Infiniti car dealship. The ad features former basketball player and commentator Bill Walton. Yeah, off to a good start. So, Bill comes waltzing from behind one of the cars parked inside the dealership and forcefully proclaims, “Everything you’ll ever need in life is right here”.

Everything? I mean, come on, who writes this garbage. I can get food, water, shelter, friendship, and companionship at the dealership? I think not.

It’s funny to me to see an advertisement which bluntly proclaims the message that lies in all advertising: “All you need is brand X, and you won’t be happy without it”. It’s just funny to see it presented with practically no veil.

I realized after seeing some recent UPS ads on TV, and checking the website, that they have radically scaled back on their horrendous “What can brown do for you?” slogan. About time.

Last night I was intrigued by a tv ad for the prescription drug Ambien. Doesn’t ring a bell? Perhaps you know it as Zolpidem Tartrate. Wait, that’s why they named it Ambien. The important thing was, it was the kind of ad where they don’t talk about what the drug is used to treat. Rather, it is left as an exercise to the viewer to “ask your doctor if it is right for you”. By the way, I can’t wait for an ad for either 1) a female hormonal supplement or 2) a herpes medication, to emply such tactics. Greater embarassment would occur in doctor’s offices across the nation.

I’ve decided to check out ambien.com and see if the product is right for me. I mean, I can’t get to a doctor right now, but at least I can get to their website. Turns out it’s a prescription sleep-aid. Fantastic, tv advertisements give me insomnia anyways.

Their Sleep Assessment Quiz is most amusing. It’s written with the broad strokes that we’ve come to know and love from say, a telephone psychic. But don’t worry, these guys are professionals. I’ll run through a summary of their questions (don’t want to quote verbatim, might get a beatdown).

• Do you fall asleep in more than 30 minutes?

Yes. Especially at work.

• Ever wake up and have difficulty falling asleep?

Yes. Last I checked, so do newborns.

• Do people tell you you seem out of it?

Uhh, I’m not out of it, you’re just BORING.

• Trouble concentrating at work?

Oh geeze. I mean, I don’t work in a candy factory, do I?

• Go to bed really late?

I have broadband.

• Is 8 hours of sleep not enough?

I wish I could tell you. So does my neighbor. And their neighbor.

• Snore?

No clue. Can you send me a tape recorder?

• Ever get tired when driving?

Never ever. Driving is 100% driving excitement. I’ve never been stuck in traffic after a hard day at work and felt like I wanted a nap.

• Sleepy during the day?

That’s because you’re boring me again.

Now here’s the really cool part. An affirmative answer to any of the 9 questions yields the advice that “You may have a sleep-related problem”. I was a bit dismayed to discover checking no boxes does indeed return a different result.

So what I jokingly started as a curious expidition ended deadly serious. Really. I probably have insomnia. An html form, 9 checkboxes, and a submit button told me so. Lucky for me, something this easy to figure out can be fixed with a pill.

Newsflash: If you’re routinely tired in your car, I got 10-to-1 odds that you hate your job, and work more than 40 hours a week. Can a pill fix that too?

I saw a strange television ad yesterday for the domain iwantmyvacation.com. The site supports “vacation advocacy”, and the PSA like commercial features a mock CEO thanking the average joe for putting in more hours and taking less vacation. The front page is splashed with commands like “America, You NEED A Vacation”.

I was curious. Partially because stations have been rejecting anti-corporate or controversial ads quite happily recently. Something was fishy. The only ads you’ll typically see that have a fight the establishment type feel usually are an attack on smoking or drinking. Of course, I think half the anti-smoking ads are put out by Philip Morris anyway.

Now, at least on the site they are clear in indicating it’s sponsored by Universal Orlando. Turns out the screw your boss in favor of your family ads are a novel attempt to get you to a theme park. So note to advertisers producing spots with a counter-culture edge: you must have lots of money already, and spend it freely too. Shocker.

McDonald’s is launching anti-obesity campaign[yahoo news]. What are they gonna call it, “Don’t Eat Here”?

On the list of signs you are really lazy should be added “You go to McDonalds to buy a salad with bottled water”.