Here’s a list of the games I’d really like to play with some friends. They are mostly what I’d call Storytelling games. I take that definition as kind of a cross between role playing games and storytelling. Another description might be collaborative storytelling. If you played in our recent group Once Upon a Time game, you have a flavor for such a game, albeit lighter weight than the following.

• Polaris: already own it
• Dogs in the Vineyard: willing to buy it
• My Life with Master: bought it
• Universalis: in the mail

I also want to run a game of Pandemonium, which is more of a straight laced RPG, minus the magic and dwarves. Other more traditional RPGs I’m interested in are Call of Cthulhu (ooo…scary) and Northern Crown.

I wrote an email to a friend the other day that I believe states some of my current struggles quite well, and I’ve decided to rewrite it and share it as a post on my blog.

My last year at church was not entirely constructive. I’ve taken my faith and deconstructed it to a certain extent, but what I’ve really done is quarrel with my faith when my quarrel was with people’s actions. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat in different places over the past ten years and thought, “Where is this hatred coming from?” I’m so tired of all the labels that slanderously get tossed about: “liberal, fag, evolutionist, abomination, pop psychologist”, etc. It’s funny that for as much as I loathe Christian pop-culture and marketing, the original idea of “What Would Jesus Do” has always rung true to me. While I’m sorry and bitter it got turned into a money making machine, I can still respect the notion. And for me, the answer has often been, not enough what has gone on around me. Or for that matter, not enough in me, either.

I have troubles with what I call all-or-nothing thinking. I guess it could labeled black or white, too. I’m not saying black and white never exists, but, I think recently our society has tried to reshape the landscape and force every possible issue into either category. Sometimes, I believe, more finesse is needed. Where this leaves me, however, is with a pattern of thinking that if I’m not a Christian exactly like some then I must be an atheist. I’ve heard so many times people say things that sounded like “if you believe in evolution, then you don’t really believe in Jesus” or “if you don’t adhere to the notion of a ‘young earth’ you are anti-Biblical” and wondered where that left me. The irony is that many spend time focused on how “the world” can have such a detrimental impact on ones faith, yet in my case, most the detriment has been from within church circles. That is not to say all of it, or that none of it is my fault, but that’s where the battle has been fought, but not yet, lost. I have been so ashamed of being a Christian much of the time, because of what I see it marketed as. And I don’t just mean how it gets twisted and turned by the media, or those opposed to it, but rather, the faithful themselves. I’ve sat through so many meals involving obscenely loud and derogatory discussions about homosexuality I’ve lost count. I felt ashamed, and then, I felt ashamed of being ashamed. Such a vicious cycle.

An even grander irony has been the efforts of some to push apologetics deeply into the ground of reason and logic, and faith into the realm of science. The impact on me, surprisingly (or maybe not) is usually the opposite. I live my life primarily by logic and reason. My decisions are pragmatic. It appeals and feels safe to me. So safe of course, it lacks balance. But that’s a whole other discussion. Anyway, when the experiences I have regarding faith wander into areas of proofs, debate and argumentation, the result is almost always unsatisfying to me. Whereas for some, picking up a book by Josh McDowell or an author from the ICR may be encouraging, I will end up spending an excess of time picking it apart, logical fallacy at a time. I will feel worse at the end of the book. So what does this mean for me? It means that for me, faith is not about science, it’s not about reason or logic, it’s not always about making sense and knowing which way is up. It’s very much about persevering through painful doubts. It’s also, personally, a choice. A process of choice much like refusing to only intellectually pursue the question, “Do I love Crista?” I will never come to a satisfactory intellectual end to a question like that. I am not saying no one can rationally answer questions like that, it’s just extremely difficult for a person of my makeup. But there’s something in me that is peaceful and still and insistent that tells me I do. It wouldn’t even take an astute atheist to point out I just compared God with the emotion of love. So then I must be saying God is an emotion? Well, logically I might be trapped there, but hey, it is one of the few things that is truly compelling to me about God.

I also want to apologize for disrespect I’ve given to my friends at times I’ve made snide comments recently. While I think there are lots of Christians out there I am afraid behave like caricatures, I don’t think they all do. And I am sorry when I lump together the ones that don’t with the ones that do. Many of my friends from our circle are people I consider authentic and respectable in their faith. Often I wish I knew and am even jealous of how you all do it. It’s really, really hard for me. I don’t know if I will ever have a peace about it like the one that many of you appear to have. But that’s OK, because you’re you and I’m me. I don’t have to agree with you all 100% of the time, but, I do need to try harder to share with, respect, and understand you all.

The Wal-Mart ad featuring Destiny’s Child is currently near the top of my imaginary “Ads that suck” list.

There are three serious offenses against this ad:

1. The “music” makes me long for the sound of nails on a chalkboard.
2. It’s always on the super-annoying-I-paid-so-you-can-advertise-to-me-more Twenty crap at Regal Cinema outlets. Ohhh….entertainment ignited! No, but the audience is.
3. The messaging at the end of the ad is particularly suggestive. Yes, I know, tricky advertising. But in case you didn’t catch how this ad works, here goes. At the end of the ad the lyrics finish on “So just give more” and they flash the slogan “Hook up your home for the Holidays” with the Wal-mart logo up. That’s some pretty good programming you got there.

…I’ll put coke in all the drinking fountains!

OK, but seriously, I do want to start something with about the political clout of a Jr. High school government. A game club! That’s right, I’m looking for 3 friends willing to hang out once weekly to game. Right now, I’m thinking that a weeknight would be fun. I haven’t set hard and fast yet what games I’d like to play, but let’s put it this way, it’s not going to be Battleship or Sorry. I’m thinking more along the lines of collectible card games (CCGs, think Magic, but, not Magic) or tabletop war games. I’d really like to play some storytelling and indie or lesser known RPG games. My apartment can comfortably house myself and 3 guests, so, anybody local interested?

If I get desperate I might offer it Wednesday and we could merge it in with watching “Lost”. Did I mention I have HDTV?

Dear friends and acquaintances,

I know that there’s quite some juicy gossip flying around about me recently. So, I decided to write a little entry that’s brutally honest (thanks Roland and contains a FAQ so that, rather than trusting in gossip, you can trust in my words.

I’ll make it easy and start with a FAQ.

1) Are you still a Christian?

Not an easy answer. The answer is something like a “yes, but”. I still often think of myself with this label, but my experience of late has been uncomfortable. What is uncomfortable to me is that my understanding of Christianity seems to be changing. My experience for the past 10 years has been fairly narrow in exposure, that is, it’s mostly southern-baptist evangelical non-denom blend. That might sound vague, but, if you’ve spent much time at churches in SoCal, you probably have seen it. Now if I end up at a church, it will probably be at something more traditional like an Anglican church. The point is, suddenly feeling like I strongly disagree with aspects of a church I’ve attended for 10 years is to say the least, very unsettling. I’m rattled.

2) I hear you believe in evolution?

Yup.

3) I hear you aren’t going to church right now. Is that true?

Correct.

4) I hear you are never going to church again?

Not sure about that. It’s just not at the forefront of my mind right now. My efforts are spent discovering what is true about church, and if so, what environment would match that.

5) But you’re not actively looking right now?

No.

6) Aren’t you just doing this because you want to do lots of drugs and have sex?

That’s funny because, I’m not having sex. And by the way, there was a time where I went to church regularly, and was having sex at the time. Kinda ironic, eh?

7) What sent you off the edge?

First, I don’t consider myself to have lost it. I consider my current spot in life as the best in years.

In regards to anything setting me off though, I will share a little.

• I grew tired of the number of people and the teachings in church that linked serious mental illnesses with demonic possession.
• I grew tired of rampant homophobia.
• I grew tired of people detached from reality being praised as faith healers.
• I did not feel issues were up for discussion to the degree that would be preferred and beneficial to healthy beliefs and faith.
• The strawman arguments consistently leveled against evolution, and current love affair with the pseudoscience of “Intelligent Design” turned me off.
• Fear of the educated, intellectual, and “the world” in general turned into a giant red flag.
• The earth is not 6000 years old.

Anything else?

Certainly I’ll oblige.

I’d like to share with you my journey from the past year. For those of you that haven’t guessed it from reading my blog or looking at galleries, I have a wonderful girlfriend named Crista. She must be the sweetest, most selfless person I’ve ever come across. I’ve personally seen her really, really care for the sick. So much that, I believe that she has helped people, in ways I’ve previously thought was only the realm of those with extensive psychological training and expertise. I love talking with her, I love being with her, and not only am I attracted to her as a woman, but, as my best friend. It is my intention to keep her around forever, or at least, as long as absolutely possible. She is without a doubt one of the most important aspects of my life, and I can only hope, remains as such. In short, I love her.

But it hasn’t always been so rosy in Brendon and Crista land. When we started dating, it felt great at first. But then, I started freaking out, I mean, really freaking out. I got wrapped up in cycles of hours upon hours of trying to prove to myself that I really loved Crista. But that’s ridiculous, I know I loved her. But yet, I just couldn’t stop thinking about it. For hours, and hours. I’d end up at my parents house, in the fetal position, crying about my confusion. Or perhaps locked in a bathroom stall at work, trying to regain my composure, trying to wipe away the tears and thoughts that plagued me, only to have them come back minutes, maybe seconds later in a stronger wave. Have you ever had an experience where some bizarre thought just popped into your head for a couple seconds, and you thought “gosh, that was really sick and weird”, but, brushed it off quickly? Thoughts like this can commonly include examples like hurting small animals, cutting people on purpose or accidentally when around knives, thoughts of losing control and punching pregnant women against your will, or being concerned that somebody might have an accident you need to protect them from. Now, take that experience, get really upset about it, draw it out over a day, then a week, and you might understand my experience. If I just noticed, and I mean explicitly noticed but not lusted after, a random woman driving a car on the way to work, I felt ruined for hours. “If I really loved Crista, all other women would just be a blind spot”, I’d say to myself. Over, and over, and over. Day after day, week after week. Pile on the variances a few feet thick (”I wouldn’t enjoy talking to this other girl at all” was real popular). I was clinging onto my relationship for it’s dear life, and frightening my love in the process.

After dealing with this on my own for far too long, having broken down one too many times, lost my appetite, lost weight, really felt like I was losing my mind, I decided to see a therapist. It was one of the best decisions of my entire life. I’d seen one for a semester or so when I was at Biola, but it didn’t appear to be a productive experience, for a variety of internal and external reasons I’m sure. This time around, it’s a whole new ball game. After continually working with a counsellor for the past year, and a psychiatrist for the better part of it, I feel fantastic. In the process, I found out something important about myself: I seem to suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder. I say “seem to” because there’s not really a blood test or anything for that type of thing, but, I do score real, real high on psychological tests that indicate the disorder. Not to mention, upon my own investigations of OCD, I found pages upon pages that read like they were ripped out from my journal. It was crazy, reading a seven page article written by a doctor that seemed to contain my own private thoughts. What were the chances.

My attack against the disorder has primarily included two things: first, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT, for short), and secondly, medication. I take 40mgs of Prozac daily, in the morning. 40 is a moderate dosage for someone in my state. I started with 20 (too low really for most OCD cases). Some people often take dosages going up to 80. It’s been a great help. I felt a bit spacey and nauseous, and very tired at first. For the most part, the side effects are gone. Mostly what remains are short term memory impacts. I fumble with words more now than I used to, but that may be also the result of not enough sleep. I think it’s likely a combination of the two. Hopefully I won’t be on them much longer than a year. That’s not my preference, but, it’s possible. Quite often people in my shoes use medication like waterwings (credit to BrainLock author Jeffery Swartz for the analogy) to learn to the swimming portion, the CBT. I hope that’s true for me. My psychiatrist is going to try and work me off them in 6-12 months, so, we’ll see. Oh, and, I do feel much, much better and in control. It’s amazing to me.

One of the funny things is, the therapy didn’t stop with CBT. In fact, my Dr. recognized quickly I could pick up the CBT fast, so we haven’t spent much time on the subject. Instead, I’ve talked a lot. And then, when I thought was done talking, I talked some more. I’m still not done talking. The only thing at this point that would stop me in the next six months, I’d say, is if I ran out of money or insurance. There’s a neat thing that happen in a dynamic, closed door relationship with a therapist. For me, I got to practice confidence. I got to practice saying things I was afraid to say. I shared things about myself I previously kept as deep dark secrets. In this process, there is something both magical and obvious that has been occurring with me, just as it does with many others in similar process: I have grown. What I mean at the core of that is I have started to weed out what I really believe, down to my core, and what I’ve been faking. Now imagine me in this position, looking back, realizing that I haven’t been authentic in much of my faith experience and expression for the past decade. It was shocking, unsettling, and scary. For example, what would my friends say if I disagreed with them, at points? Would I be able to stay afloat, emotionally, and socially? And what of my relationship, could I maintain it? And to extend that, would people that once supported my relationship turn on it and label it as wrong, sinful, unproductive, and so on? The chemical and mechanical underpinnings of my OCD would turn out to not be able to hold a candle to my deeper issues of integrity. Those are my real deep, dark demons. Undoing my machine, my OCD, was comfortable. It was about getting fixed, getting back to normal, I knew how I wanted and expected it to end. It was a formulaic process. But my faith, my core beliefs that are mine and not yours, this has been my new experience. And it is the process I am in even as I write this.

I’d like to leave you, the reader, with an exercise. First, imagine you were in my shoes. Imagine you’d had repeated thoughts, over and over, day after day, like “Break up with her. It’s what you should do, it’s what you are supposed to do”. You don’t like the thoughts, they feel foriegn, in fact they feel like they might just destroy you or at the very least, a part of your life you love.

Now, walk into a church. Probably many churches my SoCal friends go to will do. With those thoughts in mind, surround yourself with people that stand up and confidently claim “God spoke to me”, “God told me”, “God moved me”. Translate that to, “God is in my head”. Really experience that confusion. Then start walking forward, and see how you think you might come out. Imagine the complexities and confusions that might manifest. Imagine how it might change you. Imagine how we might be different, and how we might be the same.

So, will I give up? I don’t know. Life is complicated, our existence is fragile. But there are things I do know. The answers are rarely easy, in fact, sometimes there are only questions. If you say otherwise, well then, I’ll politely disagree. But of the things I am reasonably certain about - my loves, my friends, my hopes, dreams and desires, I can say this. I refuse to use my uncertainties as ammunition against myself to destroy my certainties. And that is where I stand today. I don’t have all the answers I need yet. But please understand, the search is at my pace and no other person’s.

And if you’ve braved it this for, I thank you for your time.